I mentioned sometime back that I think I should write all my blog posts with wine in hand, and so I’ve been sitting here with a glass of champagne *for no real reason other than someone bought it for us and I think it’s a shame for it to sit there unopened* writing this post. Oh, and in case you think I’m a lush, I’m just a real lightweight ’cause I’ve had literally 5 sips of it and it’s gone straight to my head. Watch out!
So on that note, I’m looking at these pictures and several things come to mind. First, I realize that now that it’s summer you guys get to see all my leg and arm bruises in their full glory. They’re a result of an interesting combination of intense exercise and pathological clumsiness. I must remember to Photoshop them out ’cause that ain’t cool. Second, I realize that I have rather the harsh expression in the last pic there. I assure you it’s not because of any mood, it’s simply because I’m ridiculously sensitive to the light and on a bright day I squint without my black, black sunnies. I swear, I’m a vampire….except for the drinking blood, being undead, violence, and random sex acts. Can you tell I’m in “True Blood” season?
So I was totally going to call this post “Heart On My Sleeve” in reference to the hearts on my cardigan, and I was going to talk about something sweet, but here’s a better story:
See that last picture where I’m looking all profound and philosophical? Yeah, well just as the timer was going off on my camera I happened to hear a noise and noticed a bee flying dangerously close to me. So the picture was totally forgotten while I focused in curiosity, indecision, and growing terror as the bee started a slow trajectory towards me.
Soon afterwards, I gave a high-pitched yelp, grabbed my camera and ran inside the house. I’m just thankful I had the wherewithal to remember the camera! Though in hindsight, I doubt the camera was a panicked as I was.
Give me zombies and I’ve got sword and gun expertise, but don’t you dare face me with a bee.
*Hangs head in shame*
First off, I finally managed to remember to take off my sunnies before pictures. I know, I’m very proud of myself. Patting myself on the back for this great accomplishment. Hush you from the cheap seats…I’ve still got baby brain here *side note: can you have baby brain with a toddler? Oh gosh, I hope so! Otherwise I’ve got no excuse*
Secondly, my friend Emily *she’s the one in the picture below* and I were told by a store clerk that we had “balls” for wearing big floppy hats like these. I really like being told I’m ballsy. *In my mind they’re always comparing me to Lucille Ball. Always. Without Fail.* But I felt like a bit of a fraud because the motivation behind wearing my hat is totally anti-‘balls’ – I don’t want to expose myself to the sun.
Lucille Ball wept.
Jeans – Gap
I’ve been doing the sock bun for a long time now, and it used to be that you were embarrassed to admit that you had footwear in your hair. It was like showing your knickers or your slip – a lady never does that. Now it’s become a source of blogging pride to show exact details of this, frankly, lazy ass hairdo. It’s actually really amusing to me. *p.s. if you want a tutorial just google it, there are literally dozens of them and I’m not adding to that pile* What’s next? Do I show you how I use a hair elastic to keep my pants up?
Digressing just a touch…can we just take a moment to appreciate how the right pants, combined with the right pose make it look like I have a smokin’ hot J.Lo booty in that first shot? Usually, I’ve got curves like Kate Moss has plus size ad campaigns, but in this shot I’ve got the booty goin’ on!
I wonder if I can get a life size cardboard cutout of this picture and wear it everywhere like those guys at the side of the road advertizing car washes. It’s like, “No, this here in the picture with the J.Lo butt is the real me.”
Don’t feel sorry for him. He knows who he married.