How The Dream Ends

Dress – Ruche
Sweater – Threadsence or Ruche
Tights – F21
Boots – Feet First
Necklace – gift from my Aunt.
This long weekend, though I’m working, I’m hoping to enjoy some bbq and sunshine with my family.  I’m excited about a shoot I’ve got coming up on Monday – should be fun to shoot a couple of friends I’ve known for over a decade! Oh, and do you know how much I love getting fan feedback?  So much!  Read about that and more here on my acting site.
But in all this I am in some real fear.  I had a nightmare that I left home on the bus and it wasn’t until I got down to the subway (15 minutes away) that I realized that I had left Baby home alone.  In my dream I panicked and jumped into a cab right away.  Then I woke up so I have no idea how the dream ends, but I’ll tell you this, it really scared me.  It scared me because I’m so exhausted right now, that I can feasible imagine myself leaving the house and forgetting that she’s home alone with no one to watch her.  It’s ridiculous because I know I never would, but it’s a fear, a phobia, which means that it’s irrational by nature.   It’s fun being a mama, eh?

p.s. Some outfits suck.  This was one of them.  

Quote of Today:
“Artillery zombie babies!”

Mamahood Exposed: Hello Crazy

Mamahood Exposed continues with an open and honest post from Lindsay about her experience with PPD. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Oliver, I was thrilled.  Ecstatic. Over the moon.

All I ever wanted was to be a mother. When I was young and the teacher would ask what we wanted to be when we grew up, my answer was always, “A Momma“. I mean why couldn’t I be?
So when the opportunity came to actually become a Momma, I dove in head first.  I read books.
Some serious ones like “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”which scared the crap out of me by the way.  Some may disagree but I think that book does more harm than good.  And some silly books like, “The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy” and “Belly Laughs”. Those were more my speed.  They were true, honest and got down to the nitty gritty.  If it wasn’t for those books I wouldn’t of been prepared for the ugly.
I had an amazing pregnancy with Oliver.  I was never sick, I felt wonderful.  I was growing a human being.  I was grateful.  Sure I had my moments of irritability.  And moments of shear crazy.  Just ask Ryan about the ice cream incident.  But for the most part, it was good.  I was good.
Fast forward to February 16, 2010. 4:48pm to be exact.  I was a mom.  He was here, and he was perfect.  And I loved him. I loved him right?  I thought I did, but I wasn’t sure.  It wasn’t an immediate feeling.  If anything, I felt like I was in shock.  Shock from my not so pleasant delivery.  Shock from just having a baby. And shock for becoming a mother.
A Momma. His Momma.

Someone completely responsible for keeping another human being…a very tiny human being alive.  I began to feel very anxious.
What should of been a joyous time for me, wasn’t.   I laid there in the delivery room with so many people around me and I felt so….alone.  While everyone commented on how adorable, and healthy…oh so healthy Oliver was.  No one asked about me.  While I laid there quiet and still, I was screaming inside.
It hit that quickly, the PPD.  The depression that is still such a secret.  A dirty little secret.  I didn’t realize it the time. I just thought it was The Baby Blues.  Ya know, what those pregnancy books just graze over.  It wasn’t serious.  And it sure as Hell wasn’t happening to me.  But it was.
I loved my son. At least I thought I did.  I felt he deserved someone better than me.  Someone who could really love him.  Ya know like they show in TV and movies.  She has a baby and bam immediate love.  He deserved that.  Not this shell of a woman, going through the motions pretending to be a mom.
A mother. His Momma.
I never wanted to hurt my son.  If anything I wanted to protect him.  From everything and everyone.  The anxiety I felt for him, towards him was crippling.  If we left the house I had to drive.  If we had plans, I’d cancel at the last minute.  I couldn’t leave him.  With anyone. At all.  What if something happened to him?
I would sit and watch him sleep.  Fearful for him to stop breathing. Always listening.  I would jolt myself awake the minute I began to doze off.  I needed to stay awake.  I needed to constantly watch him.  Must. Not. Fall. Asleep.
The sleep deprivation does some crazy things to you.  No wonder its used to torture people.  I felt like I was being tortured, by my own self. 
I knew something was wrong.  This feeling wasn’t going away.  It was past 3 weeks wasn’t I suppose to start enjoying this time by now?  When would the horrible thoughts go away.  Thought of me falling down the stairs with Oliver in my arms.  Or someone breaking in.  Or the big tree in the front yard falling into our house.  Or Oliver falling off the counter. Why would he be on the counter?  Or me forgetting to put him back in his pack n play and rolling over him in my sleep.  Or something happening to my husband.  To Ryan, my lifeline.
Hello Crazy.
I knew it was time.  Time to make that call.  Time to admit this was bigger than I was and I needed help.  The doctor had me fill out this depression questioner.  “Circle one in each row” she said,  always, sometimes or never.  As she walked out of the room.  Leaving me with the questioner and my thoughts.  My crazy irrational thoughts.
Final verdict: PPD with mild anxiety.  Yup, I could of told her that.  She wrote me a prescription for Zoloft and sent me on my way.
The pharmacist told me it would take a week or two before I would feel the difference.  I felt it after that first day.  I felt better.  Not quite “me” but I felt closer to being me.  The next day a little better.  After a week, I was up. Getting dressed and leaving the house.
Months went by and the anxiety continued to lessen.  It was there, the thoughts were always there. still are.  But they didn’t stay very long.  And I didn’t dwell on them.  And I didn’t let them control me anymore.  It was working.  Thank God, it was working.
By the time Oliver was 3 months old. I felt like myself.  I felt happiness.  I enjoyed my son and my new life, as a momma.
His Momma.

I was accepting it and not fighting it anymore.
Having a baby changes you.  You start out as a woman, you give birth and you break down.  You bleed, and break and shed a lot of tears.  But its the only way to be rebuilt into a mother.
PPD can happen to anyone. You.  Me.  It doesn’t discriminate and it doesn’t let go.  But it doesn’t have to control you.  It doesn’t have to control me.  This was just my story on the “secret depression”.  Something one may not even understand unless they have been there.  It goes beyond hormones and being an emotional girl.  It goes beyond “sucking it up” and “tomorrow is another day”.  It’s real and it’s scary.  But it doesn’t have to last forever.
When I was pregnant with Landon I was worried it would happen again.  I spoke with my doctor about about my options but in the end opted out of the prescription he offered to write for me after I delivered Landon.  I felt different.  I felt that immediate love for my child.  And I didn’t for once feel alone.

Are you an honest Mama with a story to tell? 
Email you submission to joanna.haughton@hotmail.com

Trifecta of Flattery

Top – H&M
Cardi & Jeans – Gap
Necklace & Shoes – Ruche
Soooo…I’m a sucker for shameless flattery.  Yup.  I’ve figured it out.  People who shamelessly flatter me, not only get exactly what they want, but they also put a true rosy hue on my cheeks.  I can say ‘no’ to a strong case of the compliments, but I often don’t.  Flattery, chocolate, and a foot massage are pretty much the trifecta of getting me to do something for you.

Crap.  Andrew reads this blog…which means I’m going to be doing a lot for him. But it also means there’s a lot more chocolate and foot massages in my future.
I can live with that.

True Story:
Baby’s been obsessed with Grapefruit!  
She has at least one a day – maybe even one and a half.  
But don’t you dare try to give her an orange! 
She’s having none of that.

At-ten-shion!

Top – Gap
Jacket – Old Navy
Skirt – Spotted Moth
Shoes – Payless
Necklace – I made it!

We’re working on trying to reclaim the yard from the weeds and clovers that the former owners let run wild.  Every year we win one more battle.  This year I dug out a lot of the monster weeds that threatened to invade our yard last summer.  I’m hoping that if I’m vigilant they will be slowly snuffed out.  Soldiers! Shovels at the ready!

Quote of Today:
“Don’t worry, our lactose intolerant dog is taking care of the milk spill.”

Psychological Warfare With A Toddler

Pearl earrings – c/o Scarlet Samples
Dress – Ruche
Belt – F21
Shoes – Threadsence

I love my baby, but I’m pretty much convinced at this point that she’s trying to break down my sanity.

She’s hit the terrible twos early – everything is “Neo!” *her ‘no’* and crying temper tantrums when she doesn’t get exactly her own way.  My Mama calls it karma.  Thanks Mom.  I know she’s asserting her independence and that I just have to be patient, let her make as many choices as possible to give her some control, and then just show even more patience…blah, blah, blah.  *I’m not a patient person by nature*  Honestly though, I really think she’s embarked on some kind of psychological warfare with me.

She wanted to go for a walk. I didn’t, but after much  Neo-ing and whining I gave in and said, “Okay, fine. We’ll go.  Get your hat and shoes.”  She did.  I got mine, and headed for the front door.  She headed for the back.

I said, “Let’s go.”
“Neo” She wanted to go out the back door.
“We have to go out the front, so mama can lock the house.”
“Neo”

This went back and forth for a while. 
 
I thought, “What are you doing to me kid?  I’m giving in.  I’m giving you what you want.  We’re going for the darn walk!” *and by ‘darn’ I may mean another word*

She wouldn’t budge.  It was a Mexican stand off.  That devolved into a 15 minute temper tantrum….by her, not me – let’s be clear about this.

I’m convinced she’s trying to make me lose my sanity.  But the joke’s on her…I lost it years ago.  Haha! I win!
Oh crap, wait. 

Some Weeks End Well

Okay, this week I’m smiling and I’m smiling!  There are such great reasons!

1. A new fantabulous camera that’s going to take me far and wide.

2. Tried, and loved, a new Kung Fu school – Bamboo Kung Fu.  I haven’t trained at a studio in about 2 years, and this is the worst shape I’ve ever been in in my entire life.  I’ve gone from sports, to dance, to Kung Fu and these last two years since having baby have been the slowest, athletically speaking.  Boy did it show!  In my complimentary class I had my tushy kicked! *Frankly, I was a little embarrassed at my performance*  Every muscle currently hurts, and every muscle is currently crying out in agony to be put out of it’s misery….and I love every single second of it! 

True, it’s not my perfect school if I had my way, and I have to unlearn certain ways of moving that have been ingrained in me, but it’s definitely the best place I’ve tried in Toronto in years.  I’m so eager to go back.  I know many of you who read this are in Toronto as well, so maybe I’ll see you there? I’ll be the girl wincing in pain and smiling through it all.

3. Top Shot!  Top Gear! Man vs Wild!  Love Netflix, and love these reality tv shows.  With the three combined I`ve got super marksmanship, cool cars and ridiculous stunts, and a man doing extreme things to survive in extreme environments. It doesn’t get much better than that.

4. I have the funniest dog in the world.  Seriously Drake, where did you learn to pose like that???

Leopard Mixed Bag

Vest – Threadsence
Earrings, Necklace, Sunglasses and Top – F21
Pants – I’m sorry I don’t remember
Boots – Feet First

This is the first leopard print thing I’ve ever owned!  Actually, I’m pretty sure this is the first animal print thing I’ve ever owned.   But when I saw it I just fell hard for it, and since it was on sale, well, that just sealed the deal.  When it arrived, I was happy that it was better than in the pictures and, though I was excited to wear it, I was also more than a little nervous.  I had reason to be. 
The reaction to it was mixed.  One person said I looked like an ‘Amazon Princess’, another asked, “Leopard, really? What were you thinking?” and Husband made references to a ‘celebrity on Sunset Boulevard’ and ‘someone in a Jay-Z video.’  I liked it, but it was certainly a sartorial and confidence challenge to wear it despite the mixed reaction.
I wonder, why does leopard print get such a strong reaction, but a bright floral print does not?  Thoughts?
Quote of Today:
“Drake wants to hump it, and she wants to cuddle it.”
“Good thing it’s not the other way around.”

Hey, Nice Undies

Cardi – Gap
Top & Socks – F21
Skirt – Ruche
Boots – Feet First
Necklace – gift from Mama’s Nest Designs
I had a Marilyn moment without trying to.  Walking home late at night in this skirt the wind was so strong that it completely blew my skirt up in the air.  No one saw though because, as I said, it was late at night.  I was relieved that no one saw it because I would’ve been so embarrassed, but also a little disappointed.  I was having a great leg day and wearing really nice undies, so if someone had to see some time that was the day.  You know it’s going to happen again when I’m wearing grannies and haven’t shaved.  You just know it will!
Remember how this skirt was completely destroyed on the very first day I got it?  Well, thanks to my talented Mother-In-Law it’s been resurrected from the dead. *I may or may not have been watching several episodes of The Walking Dead*  She took some material from the inside of the waist, and using webbing and other magical feats of sewing fixed it right up.  If you look closely you can tell, but when i put it on even knowing where the hole had been it still took me a few second to find it.  So yay!

p.s. I finished editing a recent shoot and posted a few choice pics here.  I’d love for you to check them out!

True Story:
Andrew and I watched the Modern Family episode where the ladies of the house get their cycles synchronized and Andrew turns to me, “I’m scared for when that happens.” 
I don’t blame him.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Not A Family Friendly Brat

Top – Gap
Cardi – Anthropologie
Cords – Le Chateau
Boots – Threadsence
Necklace – c/o Scarlet Samples
Last night I did ADR for a short film that I was in not too long ago, and I have to confess I’m a little brat!  *ADR is when you go into the studio and record some lines that may have been lost or fuzzy and match it up to your lips moving – harder than it sounds* 
You see the film is about serious stuff, and the lines are serious stuff – people arguing, dying, etc. etc.  – but I couldn’t resist turning some of those lines into shall we say less-than-family-friendly material? It was just too tempting.  those lines, without context and the way we recorded some of the things were just begging for it!  And I’m not one to turn that down.  The screening is in a few weeks, and I’m so excited to see the whole thing on screen!
Quote of Today:
“Scott, Scott…Scott…Scott……..oh Scooooottt.”

The Rest Is Silence

Vest – AE
Dress – bought in London, UK
Shoes – Payless
Sometimes I don’t know what to say or do.  Sometimes on these days I say and do something really stupid.  So today I’m just going to sit in silence.  I will say this though – This dress was all of four pounds in the UK several years ago – that’s $8!  Now that’s a deal.

Quote of Today:
“A zombie apocalypse would be really hard with a two year old.”
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