Category :Creative Writing

Random Sundays: My Name Is Drake, And I’ve Got A Beef!


I’ve got a beef with my owner – Joanna!  I was totally rockin’ the long, mangy, just-rolled-out-bed, too-cool-to-care look that I’ve been meticulously working on all winter.  It took me three months to get that not-do-a-thing look to it!  Then what does she do?  She up and takes me to the salon!  The salon!  I’m a cool guy, I don’t go to the salon.  

Wait, it gets worse.

Through a miscommunication with the groomer I came out looking like this:

They shaved me and gave me that long face and puffy tail look.  That’s so not me.  I’m a scrapper, a rogue, a trot to my own drum kind of guy…I’m not a pretty boy.  At least Joanna agreed with that because when we got home she trimmed my face and cut down my tail.  Made me look more of a man!

To add insult to injury, for this morning’s walk she made me put on this stupid looking coat just because it was cold. 

 Come on! I can take it, I’m a tough guy remember?  I don’t need accessories, just the wind in my hair and the sun on my back. *okay, well it was so cold I would’ve frozen my you-know-what off…if I still had them of course…but that’s a rant for another day* So to show her how uncool she made me look, I walked behind them the entire way pouting, trying to shake off the darn thing every two minutes or so.  I didn’t run, pull, jump, or yank on the leash once!  That’ll show her!

I tell ya, it’s tough being a dog.  Sheesh…

Toddler Gym 2000

Dress – ASOS; Belt & Earrings – F21; Boots – boutique in Roma.

Husband away?  No one there to cover you for your regular solo workout?  Well fret no more!  The Toddler Gym 2000 is here!  It’s fast. It’s easy. And it’s loads of fun!  *actually it’s neither fast nor easy, just the last one*  Core work is done in a flash with a toddler on your back as you hold the plank for three minutes.  The added weight will make your workout super efficient, and the wiggling babe will work your muscles from a variety of angles!

Need an upper body workout?  Old pushups are tossed to the side when you have a toddler straddling your bum for that extra added bonus challenge, and once that toddler migrates to underneath you the sloppy kisses will keep you coming down then up for more!

Forget those old boring lunges and squats.  Toddler Gym 2000 lets you get double the workout while you hold your babe in your arms and bounce her up and down with the movement of your body.  Her growing weight will give you buns of steel in no time, and the added challenge of holding her and moving her up and down will tone your biceps and triceps in 20 minutes or less!  And it doubles as a toddler entertainment center – Jolly Jumper for the sophisticated babe!

Act now, and for an unlimited time the Toddler Gym 2000 comes with your very own set of laughs and giggles that not only make the time fun, but give you and your toddler an added core workout.

True Story:
*see above*

Random Sundays: Baby Mornings

I’m crying!  Heeeeeello I’m crying!  When is someone going to come get me?  I’m not going back to sleep, I’m up and I want you to com get me!!  It’s Elmo time!

Finally, he comes into my room to get me, she’s probably still sleeping.  Sheesh.

Okay seriously Dad, what do you think you’re doing?  Would you like to be plunked down on a cold futon and have your pants taken off first thing in the morning?  Dude, it’s cold!  I don’t want my bum changed, I don’t care if I’m soaking wet.  It’s cold and I don’t…seriously??  Now you’re taking off the rest of my cozy PJs, are you nuts?!?!  No I don’t want to get changed.  No I don’t want to put on cold clothes, what was wrong with those?  Fine.  You suck.  I’m going to suck my thumb and give you a dirty look while you finish this whole “getting dressed” business.

You done?  Good.  Pick me up, you know where to go.  Aaaahh, that’s right: warm milk and Elmo’s world is the perfect way to start your day.  I think I’ll sit here for a while. *two second later*  Okay, that’s enough of that.  Time to get on with the day!

I wonder if my toys are still the same?  I better empty every box and open every toy just in case there’s something new there this time.  Nope. Nothing new.  Okay, well, I’ll just double check….everything.   Oh hey, she’s up, I better cry and whine a lot to let her know I love her. Hey, I’ll do that smile thing she likes so much.  There we go, she likes it!  Maybe yank on her PJ pants just to make sure she knows.

Drinking and Driving.

Huh?  Breakfast? Yeah, I guess I could eat.  No, I don’t want the broccoli in the scrambled eggs, or the eggs, I’ll just have the toast and sausage today, thank you! Look I can eat all by myself, I even feed the dog by ‘accidentally’ dropping stuff.  Hey, yours looks even better.  Oh, and hey that’s that adult-not-for-kids coffee stuff.  I like that! I’ll just help myself to some of it before you notice.  Time to play, you do the clean-up.  Hey, where do you think you’re going?  You can’t use the toilet without me!  I need to be there and make sure you don’t fall into that big round white thingy. 

Look checking your email and reading those ‘blogs’ is really boring, so here I’ll pull you away and show you where the real action is: watching my color, or wiggle my bum to music, or even better, you get to watch me play with my toys!  Look how funny I am, you laugh every time I do.  And you’re constantly saying how cute I am, so you really must love to do nothing except watch me play with my toys.  I know, I’m awesome.  Yup!

Betch ya didn’t know I’ve got super powers.  When I put my blankie over my face I disappear!  I can hear you’re worried about me, and looking for me, but don’t worry, I can come back, see? And go again.  And come back. And go again… *several hours later* … And come back again. And go again.  And come back again.

Nap time? Why are you so happy all of a sudden?  Grab my blankie, and pick me up. Good Mama.  Where’s that thumb?  Oooh, I love that curvy spot where your neck meets your shoulder, maybe I’ll just nuzzle right in there.  Yeah, that’s nice.  Cuddles are good.  *yawn* Ah yes, it’s song time…I like it when you sing ’cause I can sing along too.  What?  Okay g’night.  Love you too….

The Full Mounty

I’ve been trying martial arts schools all around Toronto, and just recently I tried yet another one.
And, well, it was interesting.
On the plus side, I was mounted within the first 4 minutes.
On the down side, I was mounted within the first 4 minutes.
Well, ok not really.  I did the mounting *tee hee*

You see, I tried Brazilian Ju Jitsu this time, which is similar to wrestling in several aspects for those of you who aren’t familiar.  Similar in the sense that it all happens on a mat with holds, pins and submissions.  I get there and it’s essentially a one on one class with one of the instructors.  He introduces himself, tells me quickly what the class will consist of and then plunks himself down on his back and tells me to straddle him.

Thank God I didn’t laugh.
Almost.  But not quite.

So I step over him and then he says to come down onto my knees.  And when I am, well, mounting, he tells me to sink my weight down on him.

So I do.  And the belt that holds his Gi *uniform* is pushed up to my nether regions.

Seriously, buy me dinner and wine first.

Then he shows me how to escape a mount. The first thing you do is thrust upward with the hips.  So that’s what he did.  With me sitting on top of him.
So now he’s thrusting. Twice.  Apparently you have to do it twice. 

And as he does so he rolls over and I end up on my back with my legs wrapped around him.  Yeah.

But that’s not the end.

Then he says to lift my legs higher and cross my ankles behind him.  And he says this is the front guard, or rear guard, I really wasn’t listening by this point.  All I know is that’s not what I call that position.

Then we did that several times.  Until he said, “Ok, switch.  Now I’ll mount you.”

How I kept my composure throughout, I have no idea.  But I did.  Until I broke down into hysterical giggles with my friend over coffee later.

Honestly, it was a great school with excellent teachers.  They were very warm and inviting and very professional.  I especially like the cross between a rough and tumble gym atmosphere with a highly courteous and professional attitude.  But still….the full mount is something to think about.

P.S.  there’s still time to enter my Ruche giveaway

Tuesday In Review: The 24 Hour Day

24 hours in a day is really not enough.  Really, who thought this was a good idea? And personally, I think this is a product we should not buy.   I spend most of my time in damage control and cleaning and never end up getting enough stuff done, or getting enough sleep. 

Let’s break it down shall we:

Sleeping – 6 hours.
Morning coffee – 5min.
Grooming *not me, her – diapers, clothes, food in hair, milk up nose, etc* – 4 hours
Watching educational tv *read: sesame street* – 30 min.
Telling the dog to ‘stop barking’ – 30 min.
Cleaning *food off floor, toys from everywhere, dirty dishes,etc* – 3 hours.
Cooking *heating things up included* – 1 hour.
Dealing with temper tantrums – 3 hours.
Telling Baby to stop chasing/hitting/pulling/pushing the dog – 1 hour. 
Telling the dog to stop jumping on/pushing/ and licking Baby – 30 min.
Playing with Baby *not as stimulating as it would seem* – 4 hours.
Ignoring her so I can check email/facebook – 30 min.

That leaves just 45 minutes for me to shower, eat, get some work done, and spend time with Husband.

On second thought, ignore what I said.  After reading the breakdown of my day I don’t want anymore hours thrown in there.  If you gave me six more hours that would only be about 7 and a half minutes more to myself.  Forget that! 24 is just great.  Let’s all buy that product.

True Story:
If you were doing your math, there’s 10 minutes unaccounted for in there.  
The ten minutes in the morning that Baby and I spend cuddling on the couch.  
Makes the other 23 hrs and 50 min worth it…
…most days.
Hey, I’m only human.

I Am Drake, So Listen Up Kid

I have small dreams:  a nice long walk every day, getting rubbed on the belly, maybe a squirrel to chase and a bone to chew.  I come close and cuddle in hopes of affection. But, instead.

I get a finger in the eye at least once a day.  Small pudgy hands pulling at my fur, my ears, my tongue.  Kid, keep your fingers out of my nose. And do I really have to be smacked over the head while you squeal in delight?  Isn’t it enough you get all the best food, while they have to put my food and water on the counter so you don’t play with it?  And that tail?  Yeah, it’s attached.  Thanks for checking. Again.

Yes your fingers taste good – sweet potato, chicken, or spaghetti.  And yes I don’t want any stranger near you so I’ll bark bloody murder when they approach. Oh and thanks for throwing your food over the edge, I appreciate it. But I’d just like to ask you not to launch yourself full force on top of my body when you want to hug me.  I love you too.  But I’m a lover, not a fighter.  Don’t squish me. 

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