Starting this series has been a wonderful adventure. I have had the privilege and the honor to read and share some of the best stories from all kinds of Mamas. Here’s one recent submission from Christina that completely gripped me.
6lbs
and 9oz. lookin’ up at me
and 9oz. lookin’ up at me
Like
I have all the answers
I have all the answers
I
hope I have the ones you need
hope I have the ones you need
I’ve
never really done this,
never really done this,
Now
I know what scared is
I know what scared is
The
moment she was placed in my arms I knew I had a fighter on my hands.
My entire pregnancy with her had been difficult, emotionally and
physically. Even during her delivery I knew she would be stubborn. It
was hours of painful labor, hours of not knowing if she was safe. She
was so drastically different from her brother. Brandon was such an
easy and quick birth. Even afterwards he slept peacefully.
moment she was placed in my arms I knew I had a fighter on my hands.
My entire pregnancy with her had been difficult, emotionally and
physically. Even during her delivery I knew she would be stubborn. It
was hours of painful labor, hours of not knowing if she was safe. She
was so drastically different from her brother. Brandon was such an
easy and quick birth. Even afterwards he slept peacefully.
She
didn’t. She was constantly alert, constantly investigating and
constantly testing me. Her will was as strong as mine…even as a
baby. I knew I had met my match. At the same time, there was such a
deep innocence, such a deep need. She has always been my rock; it’s
hard to understand that while she has been my constant little thing,
I’ve been her’s as well. She sees not my faults, but my strengths.
She relies on me for everything; for faith, trust and love and to
show her to her path in life. And for someone still stumbling on her
own path, knowing that I am going to be the one giving her the
answers she seeks…is frightening beyond comprehension.
didn’t. She was constantly alert, constantly investigating and
constantly testing me. Her will was as strong as mine…even as a
baby. I knew I had met my match. At the same time, there was such a
deep innocence, such a deep need. She has always been my rock; it’s
hard to understand that while she has been my constant little thing,
I’ve been her’s as well. She sees not my faults, but my strengths.
She relies on me for everything; for faith, trust and love and to
show her to her path in life. And for someone still stumbling on her
own path, knowing that I am going to be the one giving her the
answers she seeks…is frightening beyond comprehension.
Sometimes
I’ll protect you from everything that’s wrong
I’ll protect you from everything that’s wrong
Other
times I’ll let you just find out on your own
times I’ll let you just find out on your own
But
that’s when you’ll be growin’,
that’s when you’ll be growin’,
And
the whole time I’ll be knowin
the whole time I’ll be knowin
You’re
gonna fly with every dream you chase
gonna fly with every dream you chase
You’re
gonna cry, but know that that’s okay
gonna cry, but know that that’s okay
Sometimes
life’s not fair, but if you hang in there
life’s not fair, but if you hang in there
You’re
gonna see that sometimes bad is good
gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We
just have to believe things work out like they should
just have to believe things work out like they should
Life
has no guarantees, but always loved by me
has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You’re
gonna be
gonna be
I
never truly realized how much of a gamble motherhood can be. And I
never realized the chances my mother took with me. How did she know
when to let me make my own mistakes and when to save me from myself?
Did she do right? Did she do wrong? The only one that can answer that
is myself. How I chose to learn from those mistakes and how I grew
from them is the only way to answer her sacrifices and her decisions.
Knowing the lessons I had to learn through pain and self destruction,
did she save me from something worse? What will I save Sami from?
When do I let her fly, and when do I let her fall? I hope she can
learn from my sins and my mistakes. I hope she never has to
experience the pain I experienced. Yet I hope she does have some
pain, because in that trial of fire she will be reborn within
herself. Her soul will be tempered and herself worth will be proven.
But letting go, knowing that I will have to let her heart be broken,
I will have to let her feel that she is the only one to make
decisions…is one of the most painful steps I will ever take as a
mother.
never truly realized how much of a gamble motherhood can be. And I
never realized the chances my mother took with me. How did she know
when to let me make my own mistakes and when to save me from myself?
Did she do right? Did she do wrong? The only one that can answer that
is myself. How I chose to learn from those mistakes and how I grew
from them is the only way to answer her sacrifices and her decisions.
Knowing the lessons I had to learn through pain and self destruction,
did she save me from something worse? What will I save Sami from?
When do I let her fly, and when do I let her fall? I hope she can
learn from my sins and my mistakes. I hope she never has to
experience the pain I experienced. Yet I hope she does have some
pain, because in that trial of fire she will be reborn within
herself. Her soul will be tempered and herself worth will be proven.
But letting go, knowing that I will have to let her heart be broken,
I will have to let her feel that she is the only one to make
decisions…is one of the most painful steps I will ever take as a
mother.
She
has a game she loves to play. I will be sitting here in the desk
chair doing various things, and she will be sitting quietly on my bed
coloring or playing with her dolls. All of a sudden, without much of
a warning aside from that mischievous grin that plays across her face
and that excited glint in her eyes, she will throw herself through
the air towards me. And in her heart, in her mind she knows my arms
will always be there to catch her, to save her from a fall and from
pain, to pull her to my heart where she will wrap her arms around me,
press her cheek against my heart sigh and say “I love you Mommy”.
It is trust as it’s most basic. It is love and blind faith in my
ability to foresee her needs and to be strong enough to catch her in
her free fall. In ten years, will I still be there to capture her?
Will she one day have to miss my arms to learn to fly with her own
wings?
has a game she loves to play. I will be sitting here in the desk
chair doing various things, and she will be sitting quietly on my bed
coloring or playing with her dolls. All of a sudden, without much of
a warning aside from that mischievous grin that plays across her face
and that excited glint in her eyes, she will throw herself through
the air towards me. And in her heart, in her mind she knows my arms
will always be there to catch her, to save her from a fall and from
pain, to pull her to my heart where she will wrap her arms around me,
press her cheek against my heart sigh and say “I love you Mommy”.
It is trust as it’s most basic. It is love and blind faith in my
ability to foresee her needs and to be strong enough to catch her in
her free fall. In ten years, will I still be there to capture her?
Will she one day have to miss my arms to learn to fly with her own
wings?
I’m
afraid you’ll have to suffer through
afraid you’ll have to suffer through
some
of my mistakes
of my mistakes
Lord
knows I’ll be trying to give you what it takes
knows I’ll be trying to give you what it takes
What
it takes to know the difference
it takes to know the difference
Between
getting by and livin’
getting by and livin’
‘Cause
anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just
know you’ll have to live with all
know you’ll have to live with all
the
choices that you make
choices that you make
So
make sure you’re always givin’ way
make sure you’re always givin’ way
more
than you’re takin’
than you’re takin’
We
rarely think at the age of sixteen or even twenty, how our actions
will affect others. Let alone how it will affect the future and our
unborn children. I never realized that my decision to place
Matthew for adoption would affect me as greatly as it has and those
around me. What will I say when Sami asks why I gave up her brother?
How can I admit to my own child that at the time, I was not capable
of being the mother he deserved? Will she question if I was ready
when she came along? Throughout all of the tumult of her life, will
she ask me why I didn’t give her a better chance?
rarely think at the age of sixteen or even twenty, how our actions
will affect others. Let alone how it will affect the future and our
unborn children. I never realized that my decision to place
Matthew for adoption would affect me as greatly as it has and those
around me. What will I say when Sami asks why I gave up her brother?
How can I admit to my own child that at the time, I was not capable
of being the mother he deserved? Will she question if I was ready
when she came along? Throughout all of the tumult of her life, will
she ask me why I didn’t give her a better chance?
I
pray so much that my past, my lessons and my mistakes will be
learning blocks for her. When she is 16 and swept up in the
excitement of first love, will she be able to see the pain I went
through at that age because of my decisions? My own mother was a
mother in her teens; I always thought I would be better than that. I
didn’t realize that it’s not better or worse. It’s how I handle
the situation. I took a different path than my mother. And for
me, I think it was the best path.
pray so much that my past, my lessons and my mistakes will be
learning blocks for her. When she is 16 and swept up in the
excitement of first love, will she be able to see the pain I went
through at that age because of my decisions? My own mother was a
mother in her teens; I always thought I would be better than that. I
didn’t realize that it’s not better or worse. It’s how I handle
the situation. I took a different path than my mother. And for
me, I think it was the best path.
But
now life has shifted, I’m a mother with a daughter of my own. What
kind of advice would I give her? Would I tell her of the pain I
experienced? The pain and trauma I dealt with as I held my child for
the first and last time? Or will I just have to let her fly? Let her
test her wings and fly or fall…
now life has shifted, I’m a mother with a daughter of my own. What
kind of advice would I give her? Would I tell her of the pain I
experienced? The pain and trauma I dealt with as I held my child for
the first and last time? Or will I just have to let her fly? Let her
test her wings and fly or fall…
Something
I struggled with for years was truly experiencing life. I always felt
the only thing you could do was just get though life. It is still
something I struggle with daily. Something my therapist has tried to
drill into my thick skull, is that I’ve got to step back and enjoy
life. I try too much to juggle everything myself. Personal issues,
personal pain and personal decisions were the balls I was desperate
to keep in the air by myself. I need to learn to step back and savor
everything. What I have accomplished, what gifts I have in life. I
need to relish in the good… I need to, after 28 years…live life.
I hate that I don’t do that as much as I really should. And I worry
what sort of message it sends to Sami. Life is too short to be
stressed out all the time.
I struggled with for years was truly experiencing life. I always felt
the only thing you could do was just get though life. It is still
something I struggle with daily. Something my therapist has tried to
drill into my thick skull, is that I’ve got to step back and enjoy
life. I try too much to juggle everything myself. Personal issues,
personal pain and personal decisions were the balls I was desperate
to keep in the air by myself. I need to learn to step back and savor
everything. What I have accomplished, what gifts I have in life. I
need to relish in the good… I need to, after 28 years…live life.
I hate that I don’t do that as much as I really should. And I worry
what sort of message it sends to Sami. Life is too short to be
stressed out all the time.
When
she was barely a year old, I had to make one of the biggest decisions
of her young life. Do I stay in a situation where I was unhappy and
unsafe but where she was in a situation that was comfortable and normal
for her or do I shake up her entire life, change every aspect of it, for
my own sanity? Her second year of life was in upheaval. I moved us to a
new state. I left the man that gave her her last name. I would question
my choices every day. As I walked 4 miles from work in the Texas
summer heat, because I couldn’t afford a car, I would question..is this
what she deserves? Is this really the best thing for her? When I would
sit down after payday and look at the paltry amount of money I had to
feed and clothe her, I worried if I would be able to afford to get ahead
in life.
she was barely a year old, I had to make one of the biggest decisions
of her young life. Do I stay in a situation where I was unhappy and
unsafe but where she was in a situation that was comfortable and normal
for her or do I shake up her entire life, change every aspect of it, for
my own sanity? Her second year of life was in upheaval. I moved us to a
new state. I left the man that gave her her last name. I would question
my choices every day. As I walked 4 miles from work in the Texas
summer heat, because I couldn’t afford a car, I would question..is this
what she deserves? Is this really the best thing for her? When I would
sit down after payday and look at the paltry amount of money I had to
feed and clothe her, I worried if I would be able to afford to get ahead
in life.
But
I did. Slowly, but surely I worked hard to give her everything she
needed. And I realized that I was giving her the best gift ever. A role
model. A woman that loved herself and believed in herself enough to know
when to stand up for herself and when to fight. I chose safety and
happiness over false security. I chose to save my life in order to save
her future.
I did. Slowly, but surely I worked hard to give her everything she
needed. And I realized that I was giving her the best gift ever. A role
model. A woman that loved herself and believed in herself enough to know
when to stand up for herself and when to fight. I chose safety and
happiness over false security. I chose to save my life in order to save
her future.
My
push to survive was taking its toll, mentally, physically and
emotionally. I needed to be able to enjoy Sami’s youth.I needed to
relax, but learning to relax is one of the hardest lessons you will
learn in life She is the
gift I’ve struggled with accepting. It is Life’s way of telling me
to slow down and to enjoy what I have.
push to survive was taking its toll, mentally, physically and
emotionally. I needed to be able to enjoy Sami’s youth.I needed to
relax, but learning to relax is one of the hardest lessons you will
learn in life She is the
gift I’ve struggled with accepting. It is Life’s way of telling me
to slow down and to enjoy what I have.
My
mother struggled so much during my formative years. To provide for me
and my brothers, to deal with her personal demons and to try to
create a family with so much dysfunction we were falling apart at the
seams. For so many years I blamed her. For my pain and my anger…and
while she was not innocent of all crimes…A lot of the stress, was
because I was already struggling so much with enjoying life. I was
struggling with accepting someone’s love. Looking back I realize
that she truly did love me in her own way. I was just too stubborn
and too confused to understand and accept it and she was too lost to
show it in the healthiest way. Sami deserves better than that, I have to remember to give her that.
mother struggled so much during my formative years. To provide for me
and my brothers, to deal with her personal demons and to try to
create a family with so much dysfunction we were falling apart at the
seams. For so many years I blamed her. For my pain and my anger…and
while she was not innocent of all crimes…A lot of the stress, was
because I was already struggling so much with enjoying life. I was
struggling with accepting someone’s love. Looking back I realize
that she truly did love me in her own way. I was just too stubborn
and too confused to understand and accept it and she was too lost to
show it in the healthiest way. Sami deserves better than that, I have to remember to give her that.
What
am I giving Sami? Can I be that loving, easy-going, laid back mother
I always wanted growing up? Or will I let my frustration, anger and
stress and feelings of inadequacies win over?
am I giving Sami? Can I be that loving, easy-going, laid back mother
I always wanted growing up? Or will I let my frustration, anger and
stress and feelings of inadequacies win over?
You’re
gonna Be.
gonna Be.
Someone’s
everything
everything
You’re
gonna see
gonna see
Just
what you are to me
what you are to me
You’re
gonna fly with every dream you chase
gonna fly with every dream you chase
We
just have to believe things work out like they should
just have to believe things work out like they should
Life
has no guarantees, but always loved by me
has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You’re
gonna be
gonna be
Always
loved by me
loved by me
I’ve
got to show her what she truly is to me. I always struggled with
knowing if my parents loved me or not. Not because they never said
it…not because they were neglectful, but because for some
reason…I could never truly accept that someone could love me.
Because it was so easy to let their anger and pain hit me to the
core. I want better than that with her. I want her to feel
loved and supported in everything. I want her to be able to chase and
have dreams. And to know that I will always be there for her.
got to show her what she truly is to me. I always struggled with
knowing if my parents loved me or not. Not because they never said
it…not because they were neglectful, but because for some
reason…I could never truly accept that someone could love me.
Because it was so easy to let their anger and pain hit me to the
core. I want better than that with her. I want her to feel
loved and supported in everything. I want her to be able to chase and
have dreams. And to know that I will always be there for her.
Life
shows itself in the oddest places. A friendly neighbor who
watches out for you; a friend that calls out of the blue or a card on
a day where everything seems to be falling apart are all signs we
tend to overlook. She is more than a child to me. She is more than a
point of frustration. She is a sign from Life that I am capable of
giving her everything. She is a gift to show me the true blessings in
life….and she is my greatest test. And for all of that…I will
forever be in debt to her. I just hope I can pay her back for a
portion of the strength she has given to me, and the lessons she has
taught me.
shows itself in the oddest places. A friendly neighbor who
watches out for you; a friend that calls out of the blue or a card on
a day where everything seems to be falling apart are all signs we
tend to overlook. She is more than a child to me. She is more than a
point of frustration. She is a sign from Life that I am capable of
giving her everything. She is a gift to show me the true blessings in
life….and she is my greatest test. And for all of that…I will
forever be in debt to her. I just hope I can pay her back for a
portion of the strength she has given to me, and the lessons she has
taught me.
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