that one. In the mama hood, with my
little bebe in one arm, and his/her daddy in the other. We tried. We were successful. We grew
that baby from pea to pumpkin and when the clock struck 16:16 on December 21st,
2009 my little pea entered the whole and my heart shattered in a million
high, I tried to gather up the pieces of my heart: joy, worry, pain, pride,
hesitation…everything. I tried to stuff it all back in where it was safe…to
where I wouldn’t have to worry; to worry about this life…this sweet little soul
who was now mine forever. As day grew
into night, and the hospital filled with dim grey light, and no one was around
but our little family, I knew it wasn’t possible. My heart would never, could
never, be the same. My heart does not
beat for me anymore, it beats for him.
prepared…I wasn’t. I wanted more time,
I was overwhelmed. Regretful that our
lives were now rushing on and slowing down wasn’t possible. I wanted time to stand still…I pictured
myself in a room, frozen, with little balls floating around me, the pieces of
my shattered heart. I wanted so badly to capture them and make peace with every
one of them. I wanted to make sure that
I was going to make this journey in the ‘hood.
I wanted relief, safety, hope…it didn’t happen. Well, not all at
once. Physically, I made it through;
while my vision clouded in an emotional fog.
Slowly, while they didn’t make back into my heart, they exist along with
me, surrounding me, letting me know that things will be okay. The jagged shock of it all slowly began grounding
down into softness, allowing me to breathe, to live and accept that I can, and
will, do this. My life would never be
the same I can’t go back. I won’t go back. Our life, our future…now that the
fog has lifted; it’s bright and sunny out there.
preparation for that emotional attack, and I know that I never, ever, want to
be in that state of mind again. But as
I watch my sweet boy grow, I’m grateful for every tear that I spilled…every
question I had…grateful because without it all, I wouldn’t have him. It was my path that led to a mountain and
I’m proud to be at the other side.
The quote isn’t the happiest…but it’s one of the
truest I’ve read. “Through the
blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did –
that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions,
whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in
the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not
designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just
that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” (Debra
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